Parenting

• Invest large amounts of time in teaching and advice. Let them solve their own problems, and let them practice figuring out when to bring in help.
• Every interaction is a repeated game. Try never to lie or bluff.
• Treat children with respect. They are very smart, they just lack experience. If they “misbehave”, talk to them and explain why this is not good. If you can’t find an explanation, chances are you are wrong and you should reevaluate your position.
• Answer questions with as much detail as they want.
• You’re already doing reinforcement training.
  • We already reinforce behavior all the time, including bad behavior, often without meaning to. So you might as well notice what you’re doing.
  • Children train parents as well as the other way around.
• Instead of punishing bad behavior, the emphasis should be on noticing and reinforcing good behavior.
• Be consistent. Kids will have a predictable context to follow and are less stressed from the context being ambiguous.
  • If one parent starts to parent and starts solving a situation, the other parent should shut up and not intervene at all. The parent who started handling a situation also finishes. If the other parent disagrees on how this situation is handled, they still shut up and we sit down later without the kids, talk about it and try to harmonize our approaches.
  • Only saying things you’re comfortable fully standing behind.
  • Consistency is important, but don’t be afraid to adapt and change your approach if it’s not working.
• Make sure to set boundaries and establish rules, but also be open to negotiation and compromise.
• The parenting advice world is full of people who found something that worked for them and who then made the unwarranted conclusion that it is universal truth.
• What works for one child may not work for another. It’s important to be flexible and adjust your parenting style as needed to best support each child.
• When tantrums occur, interrupt the flow of the moment. E.g: stop the car somewhere and say “Do what you want but I’ll restart the car once you are calm”.
• Clearly communicated consequences ahead of time works much better than punishment.
• Raising responsible humans requires giving them responsibility, the opportunity for soft failures to learn from and having those awkward long talks and figuring out how to set healthy boundaries. E.g: how to deal with money.
• Allowing kids to have lots of small failures. Whenever you can, let them experience a small consequence that won’t be too bad.
• Allow them to experience the natural consequences of their actions as much as possible, both good and bad. Even if it has a negative consequence for them, as long as it’s not too much.
• Aim to be as predictable as possible. The brain is a prediction engine and hates surprises, so minimize the surprises they have to deal with.

Resources

• LessWrong Topic
• Notes from Don’t Shoot The Dog
• Reasons why Babies Cry in the First Three Months, How to Tell Them Apart, and What to Do
• Experiences in applying “The Biodeterminist’s Guide to Parenting”
• Random parenting ideas
• Good enough parenting
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk